General News

Are the type of jeans you wear in your genes?

Friday, July 03 2015 @ 05:40 PM ICT

Contributed by: news

General NewsIf genes are fate, well, so are jeans. Like it or not, the fact is, we are the denim we wear. Oh, sure, you can try to sidestep your destiny by showing up at Ranchman’s this week in a pair of polyester microfibre cargo shorts, but you’ll be shown the door faster than you can get your wallet back in your Velcro-closure pocket. Jeans rule, even in summer—certainly, there’s no escaping them for the next 10 days. Know thyself, therefore: choose wisely and beware compartment syndrome*.

Overalls
These were popular in the 1990s among those svelte 20-something women who were seeking a certain slouchy grunge look, and, before that, among farmers. Ironically, unless you belong to the latter group, it’s tricky to pull this look off without giving the impression that you are working way too hard. (Overalls are the denim equivalent of showing up at Folk Fest with a hula hoop.) If, however, you spent $330 on a pair of Frame Denim Le Garcon distressed stretch-denim overalls, you better get it right: unhook a shoulder strap, put on a tank top and high-top Chuck Taylors, and somebody might grab your adorable hand and pull you into Farm restaurant for a grass-fed cheeseburger.

Skinny
The best thing to happen to denim since pockets, skinny jeans will likely never be bumped completely out of fashion rotation due to the excellent way they can make legs look longer and bums more compact. Nay, not even the results of a study published last week in the Journal of Neurology detailing the hazards of “compartment syndrome” (nerve and muscle damage due to loss of blood flow in the legs) will stop skinny-jean fans from pulling them on one painful inch at a time. With the hipster set having eased its hold on the look years ago, these jeans will take you to soccer with the kids (watch that high-step into the minivan) then straight out to Broken City’s rooftop patio for cauliflower wings. Give a nod to the hipsters in mom jeans.

Wranglers
Pull on a pair of these suckers and you know you’re going home with a case of mechanical-bull chafe on your thighs tonight. Pair them with Ropers, hitch them up too high with a silver studded belt and, so long as you don’t leave Alberta’s borders, you’ll fit into every milieu right through to the Grandstand show’s extended fireworks on Sunday, July 12. After that? If you don’t want the general public to assume you’ve got a horse parked outside, best tuck them back into your Stampede-only tickle trunk.

Mom
A decade ago, Saturday Night Live nailed the look and all that is so very wrong with it in the hysterically funny “Mom Jeans” sketch: “She’ll love the nine-inch zipper and casual-fun pleats. Because I’m not a woman anymore, I’m a mom!” How did we get from there to the current ad from TopShop featuring a sexy young woman with a bare midriff and high-waisted, taper-legged jeans with the word “mom” writ large over her crotch? You can almost hear a misogynistic marketing executive laughing maniacally while he watches trend-hungry women trying to look hot in pouchy denim. Still, it’s happening, and if you head out in a pair of these puppies—complete with killer heels and a crop top—you’ll soon find yourself standing in line at uber-hip Shiki Menya ramen shop, tapping your foot (ironically) to Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5.” Nod to the moms walking by in skinny jeans.